I no longer consider myself a victim of my circumstances

"Life is unfair."

"Nobody understands me"

If I ever catch myself saying these things to myself, I know that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I have made myself the powerless victim in my own life. I do not want to feel powerless any longer.

I've done a quick audit of my life to try and consciously 'catch' all the recurring times I place myself as a victim in my own story.

• Whenever I blame others for how I feel or my circumstances - e.g. "I don't have time for myself because I'm a new mother", "If only my husband would do more, then I could spend more time working on myself."

• Whenever I blame faceless institutions or systems - e.g. "Women are subject to patriarchal norms." "The rich get richer, and the poor get the picture."

• Whenever I feel sorry for myself - e.g. "I'm someone who struggles with making deep connections"

Sometimes, I've run these statements like recordings in my own head so many times, I didn't even realise I was doing it. Other times, I've heard these statements echoed by so many friends and family members that it feels both ubiquitous and true. After all, if I can think of examples of when something is unfair, doesn't it mean it's true?

Actually, not necessarily. It means that I have filtered my vision of the world through my Belief goggles. I see what I believe is true in the world. I may even see it disproportionately and overlook all the times that the reverse is true. For example, early on in my career I worked on feminist activism and was extremely passionate about it. My mother raised me to be a feminist, and from an early age I saw the world as a place where women were disadvantaged. And that it was noble of me to help. I saw instances of patriarchal abuse everywhere. From the boardrooms of fortune 500 companies to war-torn countries to fraternity houses in colleges. It drove me crazy, and I was seething with rage on a daily basis. It was a horrible feeling. I felt angry as a woman, I felt angry on behalf of other women and their horrific experiences. I felt somehow it was my duty to save all of them, but no matter how much I did, it was never enough, there was always a woman around the corner who also needed help.

But wait, I hear you ask..atrocities against women ARE objectively being committed everyday. Physical and sexual abuse are facts.

Yes, they are. They definitely exist and its heinous. But by focusing on it, I debilitate myself. As I feel more and more like the situation is helpless, the patriarchy is a big foot about to crush me in whatever career I choose, that the world is rigged against me.

That's when I feel completely helpless, dejected, rageful.

In that state, I am no use to anyone. In the state of victimhood, I can't help anyone else. In that state, it feels like I want someone to rescue me. In that state, I fail to see all the opportunities I have, all the men who are allies of women, all the women who are rising.

Some people believe in using your rage and pain as the fuel for your actions or activism. I personally have thought this for a long time, but have found that I (or my hurt ego, more accurately) just wants to stomp all over my said enemy. I now exhibit behaviours similar to my perpetrator where I just want to annihilate them. When acting from my hurt ego, I turn from the victim to the perpetrator. While inflicting pain initially feels good, I need to sustain the rage, sustain the hurtful actions in an endless loop. Revenge is a short-term high, like a drug I need to keep myself co-dependent on the enemy's existence and presence in my life, in order to continuously keep hurting them.

But the goal is to be free of whatever is hurting you, isn't it? Not a back and forth power play.

The goal is to rise above and live a life where you feel free and safe to express your authentic, powerful self.

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So what's the alternative that I'm trying out?

The alternative is the belief that I commit to acting as if I chose my circumstances.

That's right. I will commit to acting as if everything that is happening in my life, is happening for me and not to me.

It's the spiritual belief that I am a spirit temporarily inhabiting a human body. My experience as this particular human is fleeting, but my spirit is timeless, all powerful and cannot be hurt.

As a spirit, I have chosen to inhibit my body and all of the good, the bad, the ugly that comes with it. It is my mission to make the most of this wonderful life despite the adversities. My mission is to overcome the adversities with spiritual belief.

I will act as if I (the spirit part of me), chose and expects the winding path of my life. I will embrace the awful parts of my life as a spiritual quest, knowing that I only chose what I knew I could handle.