Pregnancy Panic

It's been a few days since I've last ovulated. And we've been trying. Which means I'm in the that dreaded, anxious 2 week wait before I find out if I'm pregnant or not.

My head is filled with a cocktail of anxieties that I'm desperately trying to keep at bay by thinking.about.literally.anything.else. Given that I'm writing a blog post about it, it's safe to say, it's not working.

Firstly, I already have a kid. She's cute as a button and still very young. How will adding another kid to the mix change our family dynamics? Will there be enough time leftover for both kids, what about hubby? and what about just some good old fashioned 'me time'. I relish me time sooo much. I'm not sure if I need it more than most people, but I can tell you I need a lot of it.

Secondly, what will happen to my career? After having my first baybeh, I didnt go back to my standard job because I just wanted to have an existential crisis instead, I guess. I want to be autonomous, and use my creativity. Like every, child of migrants who grew up with hard-working, pull-yourself-together parents, I have the voices in my head that say "Ohhh how whimsical! Why not give up a decade long career, a middle management salary for some art and craft with the fairies! How delightful! Good luck paying the mortgage and funding your retirement..."

But instead, I buried those voices deep down and I took a leap of faith and after mat leave and I never really returned to work. But in that time, It's not as if I've established any real headway into my writing career either. Sure, it's only been a couple of months, and I do have a little one as well. But the point is, that I could very well be embarking on another pregnancy journey and I don't have anything to lean back on that I've established.

What I have established is my career in middle management, but honestly, as nice as the people were there, I can't bring myself to go back.

So now, I'm moving forward with plans for baby number 2, while simultaneously trying on a new hat as an author and all while grappling with crippling fear and self-doubt. And did I mention there's also a pandemic somewhere in the background?

In these anxious moments, where I toss and turn over whether the risks I'm taking will be all worth it, or whether I'll find myself doing a 180 degree turn back into a corporate job (except this time with fewer connections and a time gap in my CV). On some nights, I get very existential wondering if I'll lose myself in motherhood, is my identity just another name for my ego and does any decision I make even really matter on a cosmic level? Maybe I should just plod forward, one foot in front of the other.

At other times, to squash my fears, I've been nose-diving into self-help books, hoping that inspirational quotes from aspirational women will tie me over from one brave decision to the next, until one day... I wake up healed and happy.

Until then, I keep awaiting my fate...knowing that in a few weeks I may have some very happy news and a lot more on my plate.